Psychologist Mark Travers argues that, while rarely discussed, comparing partners to others can be dangerous. As the chief psychologist of Awake Therapy, he’s at the forefront of online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He unpacks how what sound like well-meaning, innocent comments can, over time, become poison that slowly erodes the relationship’s foundation.
Travers reminds us that relationships don’t go south overnight. Rather, they fester and rot away over time, developing in accumulated anger over unmet expectations or uncommunicated needs. To that point, he cites a piece of research that shows exactly why stakeholders are afraid to speak out about their frustrations. As Travers explained, when people are unsure about the status of their relationship, they tend to withhold their emotional reactions more.
He illustrates the hazards of unrealistic expectations and alienating behavior. Even simple comments such as, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like Alex?” or “At least Sarah’s husband plans dates!” can add damaging stress. While each of these statements may appear as minor in nature, they add up and collectively create a huge emotional gap between spouses.
“Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?” – Mark Travers
Travers further breaks down how these seemingly harmless moments of comparison can add up to make one partner feel as though they are lacking. Most importantly, he underscores the need to validate these emotions before they turn into bitterness. For effective communication, he suggests fostering an environment where both partners can express their needs without fear of judgment or comparison.
Even more importantly, Travers encourages couples to replace hurtful comparisons with constructive dialogue. He recommends that instead you state, “I feel lonely when we don’t have connecting time together.” He suggests replacing that with, “It’s difficult for me when we start fighting so quickly.” I really hope we can all do this work of keeping each other grounded through the dark days. Such statements promote understanding rather than division.
Beyond his perspective on relationship dynamics, Travers is a trained professional, and you can find his therapy services at Awake Therapy. His services range from psychotherapy, counseling, to coaching for both individuals and couples. To make these services accessible, he has announced a special promotion: a coupon code “EARLYBIRD” provides a 30% discount on the standard rate of $67 plus taxes and fees for consultations booked by May 13, 2025.
Travers’s expertise in relationship psychology extends well past his therapeutic practice. Since taking the office, he’s made news about the country’s new commerce department focus with interviews on CNBC and other media. Here insight and his wisdom on some of the most pressing relationship issues facing our time, offering couples tools to build lasting love.
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